In My Reflection Era: The Life Review
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With a nod to Taylor Swift, I would describe myself as in my Reflection Era. Since I retired, I engage in copious amounts of reflection. Reflection is my super-power. It allows me to time travel, to protect myself from distortion, denial, and darkness, and to know myself in a way that can turn sadness and regret into acceptance and compassion, paving the way for more joy in the everyday and a much more positive anticipation of the future.
In retirement, my life review takes many forms. Telescoping backwards, microscoping the moment, and crystal-balling forward, then writing it down in my Morning Pages is the way I usually process and make meaning. Sometimes reflection takes the form of introspection or projection into future days and is then shaped into an essay or a blogpost. Sometimes it’s just sitting and thinking for its own sake.
In the blogpost My Waning Young-Old Years I shared that I wanted to be able to reflect on my last two years of my sixties as being significant, wanting to end the decade consciously and with intention. A few days ago I hit the half year mark of my 68th year, so I took some time to reflect on what I had accomplished that seemed to have value and weight during this time of my life. There were fourteen things on my list for just six months. I took a moment to celebrate and then began to think about what could be achieved in the next six months. It felt purposeful, like I’d persevered in staying true to what I believed would have meaning for me at this time of my life. The poem, “A Center,” by Ha Jin, Chinese-Amercian author and poet, speaks to this idea of being personally “steadfast,” and holding your center with clarity and purpose.
A Center by Ha Jin
You must hold your quiet center,
where you do what only you can do.
If others call you a maniac or a fool,
just let them wag their tongues.
If some praise your perseverance,
don't feel too happy about it—
only solitude is a lasting friend.
You must hold your distant center.
Don't move even if earth and heaven quake.
If others think you are insignificant,
that's because you haven't held on long enough.
As long as you stay put year after year,
eventually you will find a world
beginning to revolve around you.
Looking back, reflecting on the past — whether in years, months and days, or even hours — helps to build a solid, but flexible framework for using time meaningfully in the present, as well as thinking about those future goals.
“Effective reflection is not about just thinking of ‘the good old days’ It is more about evaluating experiences and how to grow from them. Times of reflecting can equip us for a better future.” Tony Lynch
Prioritizing reflection as I age, especially as a tool for examining my past, has unlocked life stories that were hidden under the covers of childhood fears and shame. Walking beside my younger selves, as a supportive friend instead of a critical parent, has allowed me to uncover many gifts they put aside for me to use in these later life years.
These gifts to my elder self have emerged through deep and patient reflection over the last few years of my retirement. I’ve embraced the gift of a love of music from my teenage self. I’ve accepted the love of research and writing from my college self. An abiding affinity for reading and writing poetry as an avocation, and making space for creativity, was my gift from my teacher self. From my more mature self, I have reflected on and received the gifts of fierce independence, a depth of expertise, and an abundance of gratitude for the people I care about. In accepting these gifts at this time of my life, I have become more authentically myself than I have ever been.
Reflecting on a kaleidoscope of aspects of my past has involved intentionally engaging with each recallable detail. It’s allowed me to re-experience the sights, sounds, period atmosphere, and my state of mind at the time. What made me happy, sad, confused back then? Has that changed? What’s caused those changes? Reflection on my past is how I understand myself and the decades-long changes that have occurred over time. And insights lead to acceptance, and then often to new plans to continue to change and grow.
I have loved exploring the stories of my past selves and the shifting of perspectives over time. Intentional reflection has given me the opportunity to resolve past regrets, moving from murky memory to calm clarity, and a readiness and resolve to pursue the years ahead with curiosity and gratitude.
This reflection era is no mere remembering of events or reminiscing about the past. It’s brain-sharpening deconstruction and then reconstruction of a life. It’s the way that I am processing the evolution of my personhood as I age. Reflection is “aging-agency” in your retirement life. The reflection era can be the greatest self-protective tool in the aging journey. Knowing the why of your past, your present, and ultimately your future is the “quiet center” of understanding ourselves.
